Bum's the word

For anyone who may consider me lucky to be a permanent passenger while Michael is driving (due to my inability to drive thanks to my rotten bum) - let me set the record straight. My role is neither passive nor privileged. In fact, while we're in the car, Michael doesn't even refer to me by name, much less by an affectionate nickname. Instead, he calls me OnStar.

This is because I am our full-time navigator, whether I want to be or not. Michael (and I love you, honey) is quite possibly the world's most easily distracted and uninvolved driver. If I don't take on the active roll of OnStar, we are likely to end up in Mexico or at the very least in some guy's driveway who's selling pigeon helmets or something on the wrong side of town.

Case in point: Last night we attempted to drive to the bank. Even though this is part of a very regular routine, I had to correct him and steer him in the right direction several times. "Don't forget, we're going to the bank," I gently remind him. "You should take this exit to get to the bank," I suggest in my calmest OnStar voice. "At the next intersection, turn right to go to the bank." Etcetera.

As we approached the familiar 10-story structure, I decided to get the deposit ready. Taking my eyes off the road for mere seconds, I endorsed the backs of the checks and put them in their envelopes, each and every subtle detail of my body language clearly signaling: "We're just about to pull up to the bank, I'll get everything ready to go." But when I looked up again, there we were, smoothly sailing right past the bank without so much as a gentle tap on the brakes.

"What happened?" I asked incredulously.

"Oops," he said, without remorse. "I was playing this new game I made up in my head called 'Bum or Pedestrian?' and I got distracted," was his explanation.

Turns out he had decided to look closely at each person walking down the road and determine if they were headed to the corner to ask for money, or just an unkempt person on a short journey. I couldn't help but admit, it was a surprisingly addictive game, so I forgave him for passing up the bank that we had spent the previous 20 minutes discussing, and spent the rest of the evening helping him decide: B.OR.P.? (shorthand for Bum OR Pedestrian?) as we completed our errands.

Around the outskirts of Austin, there is quite an epidemic of panhandling, so we were never lacking for potential contestants. However, the rules now state that if someone is actually holding a cardboard sign, or is engaged in a turf war with another bum over a lucrative corner, he or she is immediately disqualified.

You should try this game if you're driving through the city. Michael thinks it's worthy of a spot on David Letterman, kind of like "Will It Float?" or "Is This Anything?" So he spent the rest of the evening composing the theme song to the new hit comedy sketch and road-trip sensation, "Bum or Pedestrian?" Coming soon to a vehicle near you.